Falling Behind

If I’m being brutally honest with myself, I feel like I’m behind. I’m 23, have yet to be in a relationship lasting longer than seven months, I don’t have a full time job, and I am living in the spare bedroom of my parents house. To some, you may agree, I am behind. To others, I might be right where you were or are. But as I look at myself, feeling as if I’m failing, feeling as if I’m behind, and working so hard to catch up with everyone else my age, I realize, I’m not behind at all.

You may think I’m contradicting myself since I just told you I feel behind, but feeling behind and being behind are two completely different things. In college, I was always at the front of life. I felt I had a handle on my classes, my work, my friends, etc. I was a leader, a go-getter, on the fast track to a successful career. At the time, I felt life was pretty well figured out. I got the internship I wanted after college and started the independent lifestyle by moving out on my own to a new state with nothing but God, my belongings and a whole lot of hope. Yet fast forward a year and a half and here I am, back with my parents working part time in a job that has nothing to do with my degree.

I often ask myself how this happened. How did I go from being so driven and so set on goals to now feeling like I’ve lost it all. One word I’ve come to find sums it up pretty well. Fear. I wanted the next thing but I was afraid of doing the wrong thing. I was in an internship and wanted a full-time job so I jumped ship at the first full-time job offered to me, knowing the market was competitive and fearing no other jobs would be offered my way. I wanted a relationship so I dove deep and allowed a guy to become my identity, fearing this was the best I could get, yet knowing full well he wasn’t the best guy for me. I wanted acceptance and titles, so I gave every free minute I had to every organization I could. I continually strove for the next best thing, never relishing in the moments I had, always fearful I would let someone down if I simply told them no or did what was best for myself.

This realization was partly why I wrote last weeks blog which you can find here. But I also believe it’s why I’m floundering so hard right now trying to figure my life out. The reality of it is, I loved the internship I was doing. It was in my career field, in the exact department I wanted to work in. I knew the consequences of leaving included not being able to use those people as references, yet; I let the fear of failure and the fear of the future get the best of me.

Now, I wake up every day and go to a job that although has its perks, is not my full-time career goal. As much as I would like to go back to what I love doing, there’s a part of me that stays where I’m at because I’m fearful of the failure again. The failure of a broken heart. The failure of a wrong career choice. The failure of letting people down. But as I think of these failures I’m reminded of one of my favorite Francis Chan quotes:

Our Greatest Fear

The reality of it is, what matters in this life, what really truly matters, is not at what age I get married, or what career I have, but what impact I make for Christ in the lives of those around me. Micah 6:8 states, “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

If I never get married, work a mundane job or never reach true financial wealth, but live every day acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with God then I will NEVER be behind. By the world’s standards, maybe I will be, but the world’s standards stopped defining me the second I became a Child of God.

As always, this is easier said than done. It’s the reason I have to write it down and remind myself, and it’s the reason the Bible has many repeated phrases throughout. But the more we remind ourselves, the more we start to apply it and the more we start to believe it.

In conclusion, let me ask you a question — Who’s standards are you living by? Are you measuring yourself up to other people and their successes in life, or are you engaging with God’s word and fulfilling what it’s asking you to do? At the end of the day, there is no correct measure of success but rather individual stories taking unique routes to wherever God has designed them to be.

Stop judging yourself. Stop comparing yourself. And start living the life God has uniquely designated for you.

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A WingWoman’s Guide to Singleness

Every girl needs a good wing-woman, someone who can get along with the guys and introduce you to them. Someone who makes you look good and builds you up in a way no one else can. Over the years that’s been me. The girl who’s best buds with all the guys. The girl who never seemed to be able to get a guy, but got plenty of numbers to “give to my best friends.” And honestly it got quite annoying.

Unfortunately, it didn’t change in college or after college. My friends are all off getting married and I’m still as single as they come — surrounded by the guys interested in dating my friends and not me. The difference now, I’m actually ok with it.

You see, in high school and the beginning of college I constantly wanted to be the girl that people liked but didn’t know how. I kept trying to be who everyone said girls should be. I’d try to do makeup and fail — and I mean bright purple eyeshadow kinda fail. I’d try to dress up at school and got asked if I was a sub for the day because apparently I only knew how to dress professional and not cute. I felt out of place and didn’t know how to “fit in.”

Looking back now, I wonder why I tried so hard to fit in. I’m a “unique blend of everything” kinda girl. I love baseball probably a little too much. I wear heels one day and sweatpants the next. I’m the life of the party when I wanna be, but can curl up in the corner of the room with a book and be just fine. I’m more interested in building muscle than being a size 0. I love to sing and dance but get nervous to do so in front of people. I’m caring and compassionate yet firey when I’m upset. Really fancy dates freak me out and I normally don’t enjoy them at all. I can’t curl my own hair or do winged eyeliner to save my life, but that’s ok.

Know your worth

I’m everything listed and so much more, and over the years I’ve grown to be comfortable with it. To be real with you all, this past weekend I got sunburnt beyond belief, I literally was walking through the airport waddling like a duck. Then yesterday, two really cute guys came into my work and here I am chillin at my desk in a cute dress but my face is peeling like a snake — so attractive. But you know what, that’s who I am and that’s ok. I can laugh at myself and the misfortunate time to be sunburnt. I can own the awkward situations and use this time to build into myself.

Being single isn’t the end of the world. At times it feels like it, trust me I know. I make jokes to my friends all the time of how I’m destined to be the crazy cat lady all their kids call aunt Bri. But at the end of the day I’m thankful for this time and here’s why.

In the last year and a half as a mostly single girl I’ve been able to move to Richmond on my own, knowing no one, but making an amazing life here. I’ve been able to travel all over the U.S. with a national travel volleyball team. I’ve been able to learn more about myself through a rollercoaster relationship and the peace I find being out of it. I’ve been able to redefine what my dreams and aspirations are and make new goals on how to get there. I can go grab a drink with my guy friends, or go to a hockey game, or explore D.C., not worrying about what others may assume.

Paul single quote

You might think since I mentioned I had been in a relationship in the last year my notes on singleness no longer mean anything, and to be honest I can’t blame you, because I used to think that same way. But the relationship I was in was so not normal or healthy in any way that I actually prefer to be single than to be back in the mess of that relationship.

Being single isn’t a curse, it’s a blessing in and of itself. When else are you going to be able to make sporadic decisions knowing you can actually follow through on all of them? Or spend so much time building into yourself so that you are fully comfortable being yourself with yourself, not needing anyone else’s opinions to be ok? Or better yet, spend so much time pouring into other people because you aren’t funneling all your God-given love to one person?

So stop throwing yourself a pity-party because your Prince Charming hasn’t arrived yet. God has it all under control and for now, He’s asked you to be single or to be in whatever stage of life he’s asked you to be in. Just do yourself a favor, don’t settle. Know what you’re worth, know who you are, and find someone who treasures you for all of that and so much more. You are worth someone’s time so don’t tell yourself you’re not. If someone’s broken your heart or killed your confidence, don’t let them ruin you anymore. Pick yourself back up and realize you’re better off without them because at the end of the day you are.

Go be uniquely you. Be the girl with the loud laugh or the baking obsession. Own the quirky little traits that make you everything you are. Because some day someone is going to fall in love with the girl in a baseball cap who wasn’t afraid to love herself.